Tuesday 31 December 2019

2019 - 成长与自我探索

31/12/2019 - 2019年的最后一天,我想给今年做个小总结。

2019,是成长的一年,也是更加认识自己的一年。
祂让我看见领悟了很多,也解锁了很多旧我。

祢说不可丢弃勇敢的心,可我的勇气都是祢给的。
比如说,那一天我需要按捺住情绪去翻译。
But because you said so, i will follow.
和哥哥和她沟通,发现只要说了一句,其他祢会继续。
重新拿起了相机,开始旅行。

祢宠爱我,也让我在人前蒙恩宠。
多少次委屈流泪时,祢让我破涕为笑。
祢为我预备了这些人,愿意花时间心思在我身上。
多少次的温柔暖心,都深触我心,让我心动。
Then You made me win favor in the sight of man.

我对自己没什么信心,总觉得自己不够好。
我不知道如何面对别人的肯定和夸耀,我的回应总是“我真的行吗”。
有人说我要自信一点,祢也说don't doubt your ability。
我要学习embrace祢所量给我的,而不是逃避。
Not by might, not by power, but by the holy spirit。

我终于完成了我该做的,这礼物对我而言有很大的意义。
最后一张考试关乎的不只是我自己,还有家人,工作,服事。
从来没有那么多人关注过我的考试,我也不曾对成绩如此紧张。
当我看见Pass的时候,我激动地掉眼泪了。
如果当初没有选择回来,我想,结果会很不一样。
只有祢知道在这个过程中有多少的挣扎,所以我深知 this is nothing short of Your grace。

我没告诉人说,在回到那地方的前一晚我哭了好久。
我不知道为什么明明是祂的家,却有恐惧笼罩着我,使我不敢踏进去。
祂给我打了好几支强心针,也给我预备了不同的人来照顾我。
我没想过会和他们聊天,他们的主动更加突显了我内心的胆怯。

其实,我知道很多人都想问一个问题,只是都避而不谈,而我也不会主动提及。
我的答案是,如果可以选,我会选择同样的经历,因为这样我才能更好地认识祢和我自己。
她对我说有平安,他说要等候,而祢说要成长,无可否认的是,这是祢所允许发生的。
祢的一句 it's not your fault,是那最有力的钥匙。
时间是长了点,或许有人会认为我不够洒脱,但我本就是一个念旧的人。
不要问我还有没有,因为违心的话我不想说;也不要问我以后会怎样,因为我没有答案。
祂承诺祂没有忘记,所以我只管安坐等候,等的不是某一个人,而是祂为我所筑的梦。

我最感恩的是,即便迷茫困惑,我还是没有离开。
因为即或不然,我仍相信。
但不是我抓紧了祂,而是祂从未放手。
求祢恩手也不离开我的家。

Someone once said, grace rarely makes sense for those looking in from the outside. You may not resonate with me, but I want to let you know that, for where I am now, it is not because of what I have done, but because of who He is.

That's my 2019, and now, 2020.
2020 was a year that I looked forward to; but it became a promise not kept.
2020 is a year where uncertainties lie; but I trust that You will make my paths straight.
And I know that 2020 will be a year of hope; for there is an excitement in me that something great will happen.

如果转身离开是对你的祝福
我会努力头也不回地说再见

你要幸福,我也会幸福的

Sunday 31 December 2017

告别 2017

2017 年感觉特别不容易,也是推使着我去成长的一年。成长的路上总会面对生离死别,要如何应对还是人生的一门功课。

从我收到消息,到看着你安详地睡在那里,我不知道怎么形容心里的感觉。从来没有想过与我亲近的朋友会这么早离开,还有好多来不及说的话,还有好多来不及实现的约定。芝敏,为着一直以来的支持与信任,谢谢你。

从下半年到现在,从未如此地与你亲近。Tears became the best words my heart can speak,而我知道你听得见。如果人的一生只有那么几次你会闯入我们的生命,那这会是我印象中的第一次。信主四年半,你的第一次闯入,让我在破碎中再重建。我对重生,对新生命,有了新的见解。放下旧我,除了放下自身的不良习惯,还有那一个自己以为保护得很好的自己,和被自己否定了的自己。

当Mike说你听见我的祷告时,我哭了。他离开前,还特别叮嘱我别忘记。不只是困难的时候不要忘记,而是这一生都不要忘记你听见我的声音。老爸说,不要丢失你造我的样式。Bubbly girl... 这个形容词多久没人用在我的身上了。我想,我似乎在很久以前已经因为这个世界而丢失了自己。我,你所造的我,是活泼的,是好奇心极强,不惧怕,爱哭也爱笑的。。。

2017年,那些没有说出口的话,才是成长。2018年,我要找回自己。

这一年特别不容易,从逃避到面对,已经是超乎了我的极限。And when I'm stretched, I know that this is the time to grow. Your love and grace is greater than my inabilities and sorrow. For this, I can never thank you enough.

I will wait for you, my soul waits for you, and in your words I put my hope. I will wait for you, wait for the tree of life...




有起伏的人生
也是一种色彩

Wednesday 20 September 2017

顺服 · 等候

这或许是第一次,听道到哭了。很多时候在座位上,或多或少会与讲员感同身受,或感动,或伤心,或醒悟,亦或毫无兴趣... 但这次,听着Aaron老爸的讲道,是真的扎心。感觉祢的同在很强,仿佛祢就在我面前和我说话。

当生活上的一切从安稳到产生变动,一时间真的无所适从。我脑里的第一个想法,心里的第一个念头,就是想回家。想回家,尽管有很多话都无法说出口,还是想回家。想回到那一个熟悉的环境,回到那一个不需要努力为自己争取什么的地方。

牧师祷告看见我像个小孩,遇到问题就想回家。在人看来,是我任性了,是我执着。我本不是个娇纵的孩子,但我与常人一般有我的软肋。如果你真的了解我,那你就知道怎么做是最能够伤害我的。我很念旧,也很重感情,以致于我认定了的人和事,我都会坚持到最后。或许我很安静,也不怎么会与人交流,但这不代表我不在乎。我只是不懂得表达,只是曾经有那么一段时间因为害怕人而把自己封闭起来。我固然可以很坚强,但总有那么一两个人,总有那么一两件事情在我生命里碰不得,因为我会破碎。

将近十年前,我也曾经走到生命的尽头。当时年幼,想离开,只是... 想去的地方不是家。是祢,在我最无助的时候阻止了我的冲动。在我绝望求告的时候,祢把加百列天使带到我的生命当中。这就是为什么我始终认为这是祢所预备的。而当我再一次走到尽头,我是否该对自己说声恭喜,因为人的尽头,就是基督的开始。

我想,我能够明白门徒们渡海时的害怕和不安。当你行驶到海中央,以为可以平安无事地到达对岸,却遇着了狂风暴雨。松懈了的心情会变得紧绷,会害怕会焦急。因为你已经在半路了,没办法回头,想到终点,可是看似机会渺茫。在漆黑的深夜里,海上只见你的船只在孤独漂流,没人能够救你。那感觉像是,呼天天不应,叫地地不灵。

你尝试了很多种方法,但都没有用。就像多半时候,我们其实都有意识知道自己的能力有限。可是潜意识里还是不愿意承认这个事实,我们用尽了所有方法去努力,去争取,直到碰壁到累了才甘愿休止。我们人很多时候,第一感觉就是靠自己的能力解决问题,却不知其实自己不熟水性。到无路可走了,就摇醒我们的靠山,寻求帮助。整个过程当中,我们忘了最基本的东西,也是最难办到的 -- 信心。

口里说信,心里想信,肉体却软弱了。当你遇见困难的时候,就是信心的挑战了。看似在睡觉的耶稣,其实心里是明亮的。In every storm, God knows and He is in control. When He is silent, He is doing something for you. 你相信吗?祂的沉默,或许是祂知道你能够应付,要你学习,也或许是因为你的心里没给祂留个位置。我无法知道结果,但我相信会是美好的,正如祢给我生命里加添的恩典。

我看见约瑟对哥哥们说,从人的意思是伤害的,但神的意思却是美好的。在我还没意识到这以前,我也问了祢很多为什么。直到你不断地让我重复听见“顺服”、“祷告”、“等候”,直到你借着不同的方式让我认识自己的不足,我想,我知道祢想要我做什么。想要我成长,想要我改变,想要我更新,想要我重新置放我生命的重心。因为祢的道路非同人的道路,祢的意念也高于我们的意念。

当我看见祢向我伸出祢的手时,我知道我必须要点头说好。更确切的说法是,除了这样,我什么都做不了。上帝给我们的礼物当中,包括了做选择的自由。对于我这么一个有选择困难症,同时又执着的人,我想就这样让我别无退路或许正是我所需要的。突破成长,总是会痛的;既然信了,就得把主权交出来。

选择继续,就是要为我的任性付上代价。我要了多少时间,就得花费多少努力来弥补。很辛苦,心里还是有些许不愿意。但我向祢承诺,我会乖乖地成长,也麻烦祢要替我善后。只是... 我还是做不到不为这个祷告。因为在我的认知里,那是祢的礼物。而祢给我的讯息,是等候,等候祢来做工,而非放弃。

不知道你在这段过程里的领受又是什么...









有人说,每当要流泪的时候,
抬起头来看着天空,泪就不会留下来了。

我把头抬起来,天空,真的很美。

但是,为什么脸还是湿了...

Saturday 1 July 2017

成长

成长,是一个什么样的过程?

以前,他们说孩子懂事后会改变。然后他们说,学生上大学后会改变。之后他们说,我们进入社会工作后会改变。所以成长,是不是在不间断的改变中,寻求全新的自我?

或许,我在很早以前就已经踏入了这个漫长的旅程。可是,心里还是有个小小的我在抵触,不愿妥协,不甘为俗。以前,大人总说“你以后就会明白”这七个字。长大以后,我才发觉,原来比起明白,更多的是接受。很多时候,我们接受了命运的安排,向现实妥协。一颗纯白的心,逐渐地被社会的繁华腐蚀。曾经的梦想也被拆散,沦为一个梦话一个念想。

小时候,我们每年都会在册子上填上自己的自愿,我们会在作文的时候为自己的梦想写个长篇大论。幼年时的生活,满满都是对长大的憧憬,对世界的向往。长大以后,这些似乎就只是空谈,仿佛能够坚持最初的梦想而又有成就的,才能成为稀有人物。梦想,是孩子的星空,是成人的空洞。

成人的社会畅谈言论自由,而科技的普及促成了人们推畅的理念。以前,那个用文字抒写感情的部落格时代,如今已成为键盘打手的武器。不用开口说话,也能够随意地发表言论,散播消息。于是,长大的我们失去了分辨对错的能力,我们听,我们读,却少了用心去了解。我们仗着自己丰富的阅历,把自己的人生观强压在别人的身上。论断,成了我们的强项;言语,不再促进关系,而是分离。

很多人说,学生时代的友情和爱情是最真挚的,因为没有参杂太多的利益。长大以后,我们开始不相信“信任”两个字,似乎在这个成长的游戏里,愿意交出真心的就注定是输家。我们学会捍卫自己,却拿捏不住平衡,变得过于自我。总看见别人的不好,觉得别人不了解自己,却没有停下来反思是不是过分保地护了自己。每个人的生活,都是自己一步一脚印地走出来的。倘若没有穿上他人的鞋子,尝试走在他的人生,那谁也不要说谁的不是。有时沉默,比话语更有力,若非开口不可,那就请祝福。

随着人生经历的增长,我们学会了道别,甚至习惯了离别。他们说,花开花落,不过是过程而已;而生离死别,也是我们人生的流程。他们说,不要哭,哭泣是懦弱的表现。他们说,不要太在乎,因为受伤的只会是自己。我牢牢地记住了这些原则,却仅仅是记住而已。于我而言,流泪是你还活着的见证,再见也不只是一句客套的敷衍。

成长后的我们,有着无止境的追求。我本没有多伟大的理想,却生活在推崇名利财富的世界。我们要进步,我们要改变,我们要突破。每一天,我们都必须前进,尽管你只是累了想停下休息,就会落在后头。那些稚嫩的笑容,只能留在泛黄的相册里。曾经一起苦苦追求的目标,也只能停留在那个属于它的人生阶段。我们离乡背井,各奔东西。相聚,不知不觉中成了一种奢望。

成长犹如一场交易,在这个复杂的社会,我们把单纯兑换了生存能力,我们把真诚兑换了自我保护。在这场生命的旅程里,你手上的筹码是什么,你想兑换的又是什么?成长的美好,是在不同阶段才能品尝的甜点;成长的代价,也是五指间抓不住的流失。

我们留不住过去,也不应该停留在过去。可是,如果没有曾经的那个自己,哪来如今的我?所以,我偶尔会像今天,让自己回顾那些被遗忘的回忆,那些被收藏在深处的曾经。即使是随波逐流,即使繁华过尽,我也想留守我的初心。

















时间从来不为谁停留,成长也不等待你适应。
致那个已逝的曾经,感谢你塑造了我 (:   


Tuesday 12 January 2016

千帆过尽,不忘初心

忙忙碌碌,迷迷糊糊,哭着笑着,又晃了一年。。。

2016 的年头,和三位好友闯进了非洲领域,在摩洛哥呆了一个星期。与其说去游玩,我更喜欢去体验生命这个说法。一个与我格格不入的地方和文化,让我从顾虑,到安心,到欣然,到感慨。

我不属于喧哗的人群,但一颗好奇和探索的心把我从一个地方带到另一个地方。我想要走得很远很远,想要踏遍世界每一个角落,但我的归属始终占据着我心中,一个不显眼却又无法忽视的角落。我喜新,却又念旧。这个颇为落后的旧城,给了我崭新的感觉。来到了这个新地方,让我回忆了些许的从前。

我喜欢乘着车,吹着风,空着心,发着呆。在前往撒哈拉沙漠的路程,我们在车里睡睡醒醒。有那么一段时间,我忽然睡不着了。轻轻地打开车窗,迎面而来的清风,很舒服;路过的草原和部落,很平静。我不是一个典型的城市女孩,心境却被繁杂的社会一点一点地渲染。每一天,熙来人往,时间快到我来不及停下来欣赏身边的一切。我错过了多少,与多少人擦肩而过,或许都不太重要。我想,放眼未来,我必须学会如何让我这颗向往自由和平静的心,继续在这拥挤的道路上奔放。

第一次骑上骆驼在黄沙上彳亍而行,刚开始的高度让我害怕。逐渐习惯了以后,才发现我可以很安稳地到达目的地。再难爬的高峰,都不是因为我驾驭不来,而是输给了自己的胆怯。原来,沙漠中炽热的不是太阳,而是人心。他们的纯朴和无忌,刺痛了外人的多心和拘谨。我怀念那柔软的沙土,冰冰凉凉地,握在手心上,下一刻就流出了五指间。我想念那一夜满天的星星,和朋友们比手画脚,寻找着北斗七星和南十字星,仿佛一切就像把两个点连接起来那么简单。

到了摩洛哥菲斯的旧城市,除了迷路,还是迷路。千年前的设计保存至今,穿来插去的狭窄走道,只为了在当年阻挡敌人的攻击。我们像无知的小羊,跟着导游窜来窜去,探索着这迷宫里的生活方式。在资源还未被挖掘的时候,用土堆砌而成的屋子很容易倒塌;在电能和水源还未普及的时候,一切都只能和大家分享;在你没有能力或需要帮助的时候,你只能恭维他人或向人伸手要钱。然而,当你拥有这一切看似基本的需求以后,你又给得了什么?

这一趟旅程,除了一些人的过度热情和我的小病,其他的都是特别的体验,美好的回忆。我想,我又向世界迈出了一步。走出了我的小框框,我变得很渺小,但也逐渐地强大。


题外话:他们可以用一千只骆驼来求婚,我还真想目睹千只骆驼在沙漠的一幕,肯定很壮观!







开始的开始我们都是孩子,但繁华过尽,谁能让心温润如初?
泛黄的记忆里,谁又记得我曾经是谁?

Sunday 27 December 2015

思念

驻足于桥梁尽头
缕缕清风
撩起丝丝的暖意
涛涛波浪
泛起淡淡的思念

还学不会把爱说出口
彼此却已相隔八千里
你微笑着把祝福端上
我的转身也比眼泪快
于是,把爱埋在心底
成了我们无意的习惯

你用生命托起我的未来
予我今生最长情的告白
而我只给得起片字承诺
沉默;是我坚持的勇气
漆黑;坚定我心中亮光

月色穿透漫漫深夜
自枝桠间倾泻而下
浸身于闪烁的星空
怅意尽消,牵挂犹在
唯有托清风捎去安康

我很好,
你们也要好好的 (:

Monday 22 July 2013

撩迹


似曾相识的身影
挣脱黑暗
牵引着回忆的枷锁
月色   洒了满地
何去,何从
若来,何受

蹒跚向前
历来风雨往肩担
俄而雪骤固留步
心中热血从未止

天离地有多高
东离西有多远
非吾所晓
等等待待
奈何信中带无奈。。。


圆月,月圆
多少试验梦方圆
醉酒,酒醉
晨曦梦醒谁自醉?

Sunday 30 June 2013

OBS 2013 :)


So, I survived at OBS :D

After 5 days of theories at BTN, we went to OBS for 7 days, from 23rd to 29th of June. Before this, I have never heard of OBS until I got to know that Petronas will be sending their scholars there. Outward Bound School, a place to train and challenge people at different age, mentally and physically. Since primary school, I enjoy camping and participating in outdoor activities, mostly on land. This camp had given me different kind of exposure and of course, it would be the once in our life time, for all 57 Petronas scholars who went.

During first few days, we had to change our programme accordingly due to the high air pollution index. Initially, we should be going for land and sea expedition, jungle trekking up and down 3 peaks at Pangkor Island and kayaking around the Pangkor Island. Unfortunately, the haze was not gone until it rained on the third day, we only had enough time for one and they have chosen the sea expedition. When the API was still high, Petronas did ask us to vote whether we would like to stay there or go home. I personally voted to stay, as it would have been wasted if we chose to go home when we haven't even complete the programme. At the end of the day, majority won, and we stayed, I'm glad that we have made the right choice :)

On the first day, all our food, books and electronic gadgets were kept by instructors. Then, it was some introduction session to enable us to know each other better. I was in the group Yong Belar, "Yong" is actually mountain in Orang Asli's language, so my group is Gunung Belar. We had 15 group members, our instructor was Mr Firdaus, After we had introduced ourselves, he shared with us about how did he come to become an instructor at OB Malaysia. We were quite surprised to hear that he graduated from a degree in culinary arts. Along the path in searching for the most suitable occupation, he worked in a hotel, as a customer service at Astro, attended an interview to become a fire fighter and at the end, an OB instructor. He also shared with us how he went through the test in becoming an instructor, where he capsized 3 times during kayaking, building the solo tent like a "kenduri" style etc, and still, he did not choose to give up. His determination in achieving success is something that we should learn.

Abang Firdaus, Me and Syn Yee

On the second and third day, we went for a small scale jungle trekking. We also learnt how to kayak, my partner was Harvard (yes, his name is Harvard and he will be studying in the US lol!). We were taught how to forward, backward, long turn, sharp turn as well as the thing that I dislike the most, capsize and what to do after that. Most of the people knows that I can't swim, I'm afraid of being in water and not touching the bottom -.- However, everyone had to do it and I did it as well, it was like counting 1, 2, 3 and capsized, and came out from the boat and swim up. Sounds simple? But I don't like lol! 

Then, we had some indoor games, rope climbing and rock climbing. Nothing much about these, but I really want to compliment Syiqin for being so brave and not giving up. She is seriously afraid of height, she cried while she was halfway climbing up the rope, then our instructor had to let her down. During the rock climbing which was much more harder than the rope activity, she decided to give it a try. Halfway up the wall, she struggled and cried too, but this time she didn't let go. Together with the supports and cheers from instructors and participants, she made it to the top! Bravo Syiqin! 

Besides, we had raft building too. All 4 groups were to build a raft that can support all the members and compete with each other on the sea to reach the destination. It was not too hard for our group, we had some people who knew how to tie a knot and a bunch of guys who contributed their strength. On the way moving forward, our group was the second, then we made a quick and nice sharp turn to go back to the starting point which made us the champion :P It was fun sitting on the raft that we built ourselves, shouting One Two, One Two and kicking water at the same time haha. 

Yong Belar with our raft! ^.^ v

On the fourth day, we could finally see Pangkor Island from Lumut after the big rain, it was very beautiful. This day, we started our 3 days 2 nights sea expedition. We departed after we packed everything and had our lunch. Everyone seemed to be very excited, normally we do kayak at lake or river, and now we were going to kayak at the sea! We went on to the kayak by pairs except Rheza, we had odd number of participants and he became the one who kayak alone~ First day of kayaking was not bad, except that I was hoping not to capsize along the way especially when the waves were strong. We took around 2 hours to reach the campsite.

Look, they are excited, aren't they? :)

There were a lot of monkeys at the campsite and the toilet area was scary lol! We built tents, set up fire to cook and there gone our first night. The next morning, we woke up around 5am to prepare breakfast and pack everything. Around 7.30am, we left the campsite and moved on. The real challenge has begun -- kayaking around the Pangkor Island. We did have a great start as the sea was peaceful. Instructors told us that we were fast, if nothing goes wrong, we would probably reach the second campsite in the afternoon. 

A few hours have gone, most of us were feeling tired especially under the hot sun. We are just normal human being, going slower and slower when we knew that we were near to the destination. While we were taking our time, the sky started to become dark. I was just telling Harvard to move faster, then the storm came. The wind was blowing so strong, together with the waves, we couldn't get our way straight. From far, we could see that all boats were no longer in the formation, we were going further from each other.

As one of the boats that were at the middle, we were quite far away from the front. We tried to catch up with them but we failed, it was just to hard to pedal. Looking back, there were a lot of people far behind us. There were no one around us, the speedboat went behind to pick up some of them who were too far away from the group, one at a time using the speedboat. For once, I asked Harvard, before anything happened, should we just blow the whistle and ask for help, or should we just land at the beach nearby? He took a while and replied, let's move on :) 

So, we moved on. We didn't have the strength to continue, the waves kept pushing my pedal to the back and it hit Harvard's pedal. Both of us were panic, but I knew I shouldn't stop, it won't get us anywhere but we would just capsize. And if the boat capsize, with the strong waves, I knew that I couldn't stay calm and wait for the instructor to come, I would struggle and it might cost my life even though I had a life jacket. At that point of time, I had only one thought --- I couldn't afford to capsize. We had to keep on doing sharp turn to get our direction straight, it ended up where I became the one who gave the command and Harvard contributed his strength lol. I knew it was hard for him, especially that it took a lot of strength to make a sharp turn to go against the flow. 

After struggling for so long, we finally reached the destination. We saw a lot of people cried, the first round of headcount had only 30+ people out of 57, there were almost half of us who had not make their way here. Speedboats went around to pick them up and we prayed for the safety of all. Thank God at the end of the day, all of us arrived safely. It was challenging and we would probably experience it only once in our lifetime. Harvard and I were grateful to have each other along the way, I taught him how to determine the direction to go against the wave and he used off all his strength to get us to the destination. 

During the sharing session at night, some of us shared our experience. Rheza, the one who kayak alone shared that during the storm, he felt extremely helpless. He was too tired to pedal against the strong waves and there was no one to help him, he had to make it to the destination himself. At that point of time, he was telling his God to just let him die, he just couldn't continue anymore. Out of a sudden, he felt the strength in him, then he kayak to the beach nearby, landed there and asked for help. Throughout the journey, he was saved by the speedboat for 3 times lol! Another pair, Ayuni and her partner, their boat capsized after hitting by the waves. They came out from the boat and tried to get the support from the boat to float, then the boat capsized and they were brought down into the seawater again, it happened 3 times until they could stay still and blow the whistle. Both of them were really panic and if it was not the whistle, instructors wouldn't find them. 

I was glad that instructors have chosen the sea expedition for us instead of the land. It might not be something that I would like to do, but if it was not OBS, I wouldn't get to experience it in my lifetime. I wouldn't expect that one like me, who don't know how to swim and afraid of water, to actually kayak on the sea for more than 5 hours, with the storm, and survived. The instructor was right, we were not expected to remember how to pedal, how to built up a tent, how to set up fire etc in the future, but there will always be something that we will not forget, how hard we have tried to survive, to overcome our fear in life, how we have been holding our friends tight to go through all these together. Are we still going to be like this in the future? Will all of us remember the moments that we have went through together as a Petronas family? God knows :)

Not forgetting to mention about the second campsite, there was no washroom there and we had to settle our "business" at "anywhere" :X Then, we used the well water for shower. I wouldn't call it a shower, the water was grey in colour, it made my body and hair smelled like the drain water lol! Well, we called it back to basic, so couldn't really care much about it, at least we have some water there. On the next morning, we went back to the OBS place and ended our 3 days 2 nights sea expedition, with around 10 hours of kayaking. 

After cleaning boats and unpacking all the things, we went back for a nice shower before we started to prepare for the BBQ night. As usual, we were required to perform. During the night, it was performance and food together with instructors, participants and our Petronas officers who came all the way from KL. On the last day, we had our quick and short closing ceremony, certificates were given out together with our group photo on the first day. And so, 57 of us, officially "graduated" from the Outward Bound School :) 

Got a certificate and a badge hehe~ 

Hmmm..... a lot to say about this. A big thanks to our instructors, specifically to my watch's instructor, Mr Firdaus as well as Yong Belar people. Generally, girls are really good in cooking and guys contributed their strength in everything. In life, people around us are the Ankle and Belayer while we are the Climber. A lot of times, they give us their full support in order for us to achieve what we want. Thank you Petronas for spending so much on us for this OBS programme, it was a great one! I wouldn't have the chance to experience these if I did not go to OBS, the sea expedition really did challenge me to the maximum. I would also like to say that all our juniors are awesome, they are good in their own way and the bonding between them are really strong :)

我也看见了红月 :)

After this camp, 
I tell myself, 
I must learn how to swim -.-

Tuesday 30 April 2013

这一次,加油!


我也有今天了,哈哈,哈哈哈 =.=

以前,都不知道是谁成天都爱说成绩,不过是一张纸。一个人的素质,根本无法以成绩来衡量。以这句话作借口,我似乎已习以为常了。这句话很有道理啊,可不是吗?

在幼儿园和小学的我,的确曾经名列前茅的。到了中学,开始参与了各项活动,分散了专注力。成绩,每一次都是够用就好,以自身体现了“小时了了,大未必佳”这句话。虽说放纵了自己,可是我当然也会确保我达到该达到的水准。只是已经回不去那什么都高分的我。有时候,小学朋友也曾问,以前的你去了哪?呵呵~

而祢,总是这样,我越说不能的东西,祢就会要我去推翻自己的拒绝。因祢知道,其实我是可以的,只是很多时候,我都否定了自己。所以,我被置于一群获得奖学金的学生当中。说真的,一开始的确会不习惯的,我根本不属那一类人啊~ 不但如此,祢还特地安排了我在他们三个人身边,成了四人一班,俗称 “further maths gang” 。

和他们三个在一起,是很开心的。可是每每说到学业,我简直就是和三个在各自中学全校第一的学生一起,犹如和三个黄诗怡(10 年公教第一的优异生)一起上课 =.= 如果我告诉你没有压力,那就是个莫大的谎言了。四个人在一个班,一对三,倘若我不把自己的成绩也变得像他们的一样漂亮怎么行。

我想,祢就是知道这方法对我最有效,才刻意做了这么一个安排。结果,明知道自己可以拿 account,却还是选择了 further maths。预考成绩出了。这一次,我真的做到了,把之间的距离给合起来了,甚至在某些程度上超越了。看着自己满分的考卷,老师还骗我是50/100,心里其实真的很感恩。纵使仅有这一次,或者算我幸运,可就这一次预考,给了我很大的推动力。

从来,都未曾像这两年那么努力,那么希望可以把自己的成绩推向巅峰。从来,都未曾以成绩为承诺,都未曾让成绩来主宰我的道路。这一次,真的好笑了~ 祢要让我看见的,就是这个对吧?谁说我高攀不住那群优异生,到最后,还不是自己不够奋斗。在祢的引领下,没有难成的事。这,是真的。

倒数两个星期了。这一次,我读书了,还是没有最后一分钟才来拼的。祢并没有只是把我放在这里就离开了,祢给我这么好的他们。我可以说,如果不是他们三个,我其实也不会那么努力地去突破。如果今天班上不是只是我和他们三个,我也不会想过其实我还可以做得更好。就像今天和 min wen 说的,我衷心地感激他们一直以来的帮助,在我无法解答的时候给予教导。

当成绩不再只是个人目标,而已经变成一种承诺,变成左右你生命的关键之一,你知道,你已经不可以松懈了。这一次或许是二十年来第一次感受到那种深切的逼迫感,但我知道,这只是个开始。以后,没了他们,就必须自律了~

告诉自己,需要再努力,现在的不够,还不够。还需要更好,除了因为要更好,也因为已经很清楚地知道自己可以更好。


If you want something that you have never had,
then you must do something that you have never done!

Sunday 28 April 2013

今天,我明了 :')


最近的生活,是低沉的。告诉了自己多少次,离大考还有两个星期,该抛开一切,专注在课业上的。可是,我怎么都做不到。每当我静下来的时候,思绪就会被侵蚀;心,已被厚厚的低落感笼罩着。

近期,死了好多人,天灾和人祸与日俱增。有些人看见了这些新闻,或许会多了份感慨,或许会多了份庆幸。而我,却可以为这些失落好久好久。我承认,我比普通人多了一份情感。有人说,是我多情;有人说,是我爱胡思乱想。他却告诉我,这,是上帝的怜悯。

我,已经越来越不敢翻开报纸,阅读新闻了。五年前,身为编辑部队的一分子,我必须阅读五一二四川大地震的新闻,时时跟进地震的死伤人数。读着每一篇故事,看着每一张照片,真的很心痛。最近四川再度发生了地震,我已经失去了那个勇气去阅读那些新闻,听灾民们的故事。我很清楚地知道,我不能,真的不能。接二连三的死亡消息,对我的打击真的很大。生命,是什么?因一场天灾,因人类的罪恶而失去的生命,是什么?

除了死亡的消息,新闻也充满了大马政治的消息。看见了大家的期待,看见了大家的坚决。看着国政如何因为被威胁而作出的行动,看着人民如何心连心地喊改变。可偏偏这时候,祢却告诉我:孩子,还不是时候。我一直都不敢把祢告诉我的这句话说出去。。。明明知道是祢,可就连我听了,也会感到悲哀。

对于一群气势汹汹,迫不及待要改朝换代的人民来说,“还不是时候”这五个字,真的很残忍。还不是时候,究竟是什么意思?还要多少个五年,才可以让大家有安稳的生活;还要多少个五年,才可以让人民对这片土地重拾希望;还要多少个五年,才可以建立人民之间的和谐,让大家团结一致,勇敢地站立起来?

我,问了祢好多好多的问题。我也曾经有那个念头,想求祢收回那份怜悯。别人或许无法了解,可祢一定知道,这份怜悯对我的思绪起了多大的影响。最后,我还是收回了自己的请求。如果今天,我为一条生命失落了一天,我感受到那种痛苦;那创造人类的祢,看着人类的堕落,无谓的相争,岂不是更伤吗?

今天,祢答复了。我听见了,真的听见了。祢对我说:孩子,别再伤心,别再低落了。你要相信我,随着我的计划而来的,是比你想像中更好的美意。离去的人,我已经把他们接到了我的国度里了。你所呼求的,我都听见了。不要急,慢慢来,你可以的 :)

想对祢说,上帝,我明白了。这次,我真的明白了。我不会再问为什么,无论发生什么事,无论最后的结果是什么,这一切,都只是为了成就更多的救赎,为了带来更好的未来。祢赐给我的怜悯,不是要让我被满满的消沉击败,而是要我因着这份感动,因着这份痛,去感化更多的生命。他说,我是蒙福的,因祢非常地厚爱我。是的,我哪会忘记,祢是我从小的守护神,祢让天使一直地照顾我。既然祢拣选了我,那我必让我的生命成为一个最有力,最实体的见证。

以前,都不肯让自己在祢的殿中掉泪。今天,我毫无保留的掉泪了。因为我告诉自己,我会听话,我会遵从祢的旨意。

在那浩瀚的大海中,纵使孤舟,我亦行
因祢会引领我,跨越所有艰难和风暴

我明白了,
所以我流泪了;
我领悟了,
所以我哭了。